A short one

I really trying to detach myself here from being sooooo plugged into the web and just technology in general but I can’t help it. So here I am again typing another blog. After frequent requests from my avid readers I have decided to once again strip the tops of the keys on my laptop of the dust that had settled to rest on top of them to bring forth to you, my audience, something to read. Not a whole lot has happened folks. I still don’t have a second job but I am actively searching for one, school is out and I managed to forge a GPA of 3.43 for the semester. I am still single, and currently I am doing my best to try and open up to the possibilities but I’m also forcing myself not to settle. Important side fact here people and a good rule to live by especially when it comes to relationships: Do NOT settle for less than you deserve. It’s OK to be picky, but at the same time there is some value in just dating a large variety of people. But when you choose to really give your all to someone, make sure you’ve chosen wisely. Anyways like I said, not much else has changed except the weather. Either scorching hot or a downpour of rain. Today it was really nice out, good cloud cover and a flirtation of rain. I helped someone solve logarithmic problems oh boy math! – and got a sweet coffee out of it. This weekend I am going camping with my dad, his girlfriend, her daughter and boyfriend and maybe I’ll get to bring someone along with me. Either way I look forward to getting lots of mosquito bites and having panic attacks about ticks and spiders. Nothing like the great outdoors. Also, weather permitting, I will finally get some color to my body when I head out to the lake tomorrow. Which would be nice because I am about five shades paler than Edward Cullen. Well anyways, that’s enough out of me. Time to lay in the dark for several hours before I finally lose consciousness.

So much, so much.

You know, I made this blog with the intention to just vent out my frustrations or put into words all the emotions I feel about any kind of topic. But as I wrote more and more, I realized that this blog wasn’t just for me. By looking at my stats and my comments it’s clear to me that other people really do find some of what I say to be interesting. Even more surprising is the fact that many people are returning to read what new things I post. Through some of my earlier posts I felt as if I was somehow distantly helping somebody with something. That somehow, by reading my blogs they were somehow changed or enlightened, or even perhaps solved some kind of puzzle they had been dealing with in life. I think what draws me to write these blogs is that I get a sense or rather a distinct… feeling, or a kind of intuition that there is someone out there in the world reading this. And that by what I say I am helping them. It doesn’t make sense because I have no proof, but that’s how I feel about it. For those that aren’t regular readers of my teenage angst (and now soon to be just angst.) I want to become a psychologist. I’m pursuing a degree in it now at my university. I’m actually double majoring but the other major is more hobby based. This form of free writing – blogging- gives me the freedom to say whatever I want, and freedom to the reader to just simply close out the page they are viewing and move along to something else. I guess I get a kick out of believing that there are those out there that find my humor to be extraordinary, or people who just think my views on life are reasonable, insane, or otherwise ridiculous. The central or core element that brings me at random intervals to write however, isn’t for my own emotional or psychological gain. I personally and truly LOVE when there is a problem with someone, I share my experiences with them, and they somehow see something differently or there is a spark in the brain of comprehension. Sometimes it won’t be a grand epiphany, but rather an acknowledgment that they aren’t alone in a particular experience or they find that by reading my words that they really CAN fix their problems. I have a true passion for helping people. I often think of emotions as an expression of the soul. It’s an expression that words cannot match, but can only be felt. To me, without emotions, we don’t really live – we just survive.

Just bleh

Sometimes life’s challenges can be exciting, but most often it’s not. Half the time we are spent just stressing and worrying about them. For me right now, I’m trying to figure out where I am going to live as well if I move where I will be employed. I’ve been looking at on campus apartments but it’s nearly impossible to get in. You have to be a Junior at one, another is in a terrible area.. and still others require that you must have a room-mate. Let’s not even talk prices here, because the undoubtedly large clan of people who read my blogs may just accidentally enter into cardiac arrest simply by reading this blog. I don’t like challenges – more often than not they defeat me. I guess I’ll just have to ride this out.

It stops now

As of this moment, I am giving up. People always tell me things will get better and throw the old cliché “there are lots of fish in the sea”, but the truth is: I don’t want it anymore. I refuse to continue to look for love and be disappointed each and every time. I’m done looking and caring. I’m finally ok with just being by myself. The only love I need is God’s. And he gives it without me asking or even looking for it. This is the first day of the rest of my life, and I’m glad it finally started.

I’ve never been this way

I’ve never had a worse scenario. I am friendless, I have only one job, and I am ferociously in debt.  (Friendless as in friends I can regularly hang out with – Arizonans and Tony you’re still my friend.) However, that’s not the only thing that’s going on with me. I have been doing something regularly  that I’ve never really done before: pray. I’ve never been into any one religion, but I am now. I am a Christian. It took me awhile to come around but I made it. I realized that besides myself, there was only one other person who could truly help me. That person is God and I appreciate everything that He does for me. I get angry at my situations, but more often than not, I brought them upon myself. By praying and just trying my hardest to change my ways I will overcome anything handed to me. Even though sometimes I feel as though I don’t want to live, God shows me every time that there ARE things that bring me joy here on Earth and that life can be beautiful for me if I let it. I spent so long looking at all the doors closing on me that I never realized all the others that have opened for me.  It is my firm belief that God has brought me good and will continue to do so. Already He has pushed a new opportunity  towards me. A job that pays high and demands long hours which means I may be out of debt sooner than I thought. And it’s all because I trusted in God to help me, and He has. God bless this day and all the others to come. Today is heaven on Earth for me.

Oh why does sleep not want to be my friend?

Hello everyone. My name is Nickolas Meinerz… and I’m an insomniac. Some of you may know me as the happy, cheery, I can take on the world and I love everyone Nick… and well others.. You may know me as the get-away-from-me-before-you-die-Nick. Most likely you know me as the quiet, average looking dude who sits in the corner with the head phones on. Maybe I’m scene, or goth, or just a psycho with a hoodie on even though it’s easily 85 degrees out. The truth of the matter is, the Nick you encounter largely depends on the amount (and quality) of sleep I had the night before. For the most part I average a good 4-7 hours. Then out of nowhere my cycle is interrupted and following no distinguishable pattern at all. 2 hours, 10 hours, 3 hours, 14 hours, no hours of sleep. This period of hit or miss sleep can last for only a week or several months at a time. I blame this flux on my inability to concentrate, gain muscle, get a tan, control my emotions and function as a normal person. Additionally this fluctuation in regular sleep rallies against me with my persistent dreams. Yes that’s right folks, I am STILL having dreams about my ex. Talk about a broken record! I thought I was in the clear up until last week. So far this week I have two dreams per night about her. The frustrating thing is I do everything I can while I am awake to NOT think of her. I don’t listen to music that reminds me of her, I don’t go to Starbucks unless I absolutely must, I don’t look at old photos, I don’t dwell on the past at all or spend my time actively searching for a new person! I don’t get it, I really don’t. But whatever, it’s just something I gotta deal with I guess. My computer crashed while I was typing this last night, and now I’m finishing it at my school. I guess the point of my blabbing today is.. I want to feel normal again.  So I FULLY expect that the next time I put my head on a pillow that I just fall asleep right away and have no dreams at all. Time to go finish a research paper. Yay! (sarcasm… settle down people.)

Today I woke up

And I really just felt great. Even though I don’t really have a whole lot to be happy about, I just noticed a lot of the things that were good. I woke up rested, the shower felt great, my coffee tasted wonderful, and I haven’t once felt stressed about much of anything today. It’s really strange because for the last couple days I have woken up with such optimism, and such faith in the future. As my family and friends know, I tend to be a tad bit gloomy most the time. So for me to have this sudden change to  my outlook on life is very unusual. I still have the nightmares, I’m still lonely, still getting over someone, still have the same bills to pay, still have the same amount of classes to go to.. I basically have all the stressors and problems I’ve always had. So why do I feel so different? I’ve been reading a lot, and even came up with a good idea for a short story (which I think I might write and try to get published actually). Is it just because I exercise more and the change in emotion is due to a more natural chemical balance in my body? Is it because I’m expanding my mind and imagination with reading? I don’t think it’s really any of those things, but rather a more simple reason. I’m getting older. I’ve always felt many years older than I am and I have been referred to as “an old soul”. Funny enough, I’ve been reading books on the soul, and books on soul mates. These books discuss how being soulful can be more important than anything else. In these books it describes the soul as loving attachment. Attachment to things, people, places. Which helps explain why even when we don’t want to think about something, we dream about it or are otherwise drawn to it. For me, that’s dreaming about my ex and all my failures. But these books illuminated that it may not be pleasant, but necessary, for my soul to advance. To grow and reshape itself. By remembering all that has happened, and accepting that those things have happened and are in the past, I have the choice to learn and continue on, or to hold onto those particular things and advance in other areas. Truthfully, I think that I have been born and reborn many many  times. I do believe I have been reincarnated, countless times. I feel a struggle with this however, something is not quite going the way I want it to. I think that the last few times I have adopted a new body, I have been trying and failing every single time to learn the same lesson. Every time I fight against what I know is true, only to accept it again when I have no body and only a soul. I have to learn how to be happy, and solitary. There is a very strong desire to share this intense love with someone, and to have that same kind of love given back. That kind of love is only found with soul mates. I’m convinced of that now. But my lesson to learn is, I don’t need to love someone to be happy. It would be nice, even comforting, but it’s not what I need. Every time that I die, I go back to the same place. Whether it heaven or elsewhere, when I’m dead, and just a soul, I don’t need someone else’s love to be happy. I know that when I am just a soul, I feel the greatest love ever. That love all comes from a source, whether that be God or some other supernatural being. My problem is, my soul remembers that love, at least in part. And I am desperately seeking with such determination for that love from another being that I try too hard. I try to make people love me. I work too hard, do too much to make them see why they should love me. When I die, that love is already there. I don’t have to anything but exist to get it. I don’t expect it to work that way here on earth though, things are.. much more complicated. So out of this inability to make others love me, I get angry. I get resentful, even towards myself. I blame this failure on myself, telling myself there must be something wrong with me, that I am incapable of being loved, that I just don’t know how to make people love me, or that I don’t even deserve it. I guess my whole point here is that the reason I feel so different is because I have aged. It’s almost on the scale of a grand epiphany or an enlightenment of sorts. I have solved the puzzle and I feel good about that. No matter how crazy I seem to whoever reads this, it doesn’t really matter. This blog is for me, and for me to put into words this strange feeling. The point is, today I woke up.