Faith and science- together?

It’s been a while since I have written anything, and I apologize. These last few months have been the hardest and best months of my life so far. I’ve been a little caught up, but now I have ample time to write. I’ve chosen to write about something that I am very passionate about. Keep in mind that if you are offended by what you read, you are well within your rights to close out the page and leave politely without posting harmful or belligerent comments. Also, I do not pretend to be an expert in any way on these topics. I merely am sharing information that I do believe is true, and I invite you to look up any of the information I provide to validate my claims. I want my readers to know that it is not my aim to bring others to faith through false testimony and through the manipulation of the facts. I may err, but know that it is an accident and not intended in any way. With all that said, I invite anyone who is curious or anyone who thinks science is the one and only explanation to keep reading. I will warn you, it does all get a bit technical but I will do my best to break everything down into simple terms. Now that all the precursors have been dealt with, read on and enjoy!

So this blog is intended for those who have rejected faith, or even more specifically Christianity because they hold the belief that science and faith can’t both be true. This blog is being written in hopes that maybe for those who have been unable to believe because they view faith and science as two opposing views to at least begin to further investigate the question of God.

Often times when I talk with people about God, I get questions like, “Doesn’t the bible directly contradict science?” or “Can the bible be trusted since science has repeatedly shown core elements such as the six-day creation of the universe to be false?” These questions, and questions like them come from the commonplace notion that you must choose between faith and science and they both can’t possibly be correct simultaneously. Indeed, I frequently receive from atheists and agnostics’ comments or assertions such as, “You can’t honestly believe in the bible and in science. They are clearly opposed to one another and if you are a Christian you cannot and must not concede to the truth of scientific proofs lest you risk allowing others to label you a hypocrite.” However, I would challenge all such notions and subjugate them all to careful scrutiny. When evangelizing, I often explain to people why I believe in God, and they quickly-almost automatically- ask me what I think of evolution. Much to their surprise, I ask, “Why does that stop me from believing in God?” After they get over the initial shock they tell me- and quite adamantly so- that evolution is directly opposed to the creation description in the bible! (Sometimes this is accompanied with unwarranted anger, obscene language and rarely I am told to go through the reproductive process with myself… which is quite absurd and impossible.) I’m not in the least bit surprised that most people believe this, nor am I surprised by anyone’s violent display towards me. Most people, even those who are not religious (which I am NOT- I will explain in another blog) know that in the book of Genesis, that God created everything that exists in six days.

If you don’t know this, in Genesis 1:31 it reads, “And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.” It goes in Genesis 2 to explain that on the seventh day God rested and blessed and made Holy the seventh day, thus indicating the the 6th day was the last day of creation. Now, when I point this out during evangelism, people exclaim, “Aha! So you admit that the world was created in six days?!” I smile and say, “Yes.” To their joy they say, “Well don’t you know that the world is over 4.6 billion years old?!” Again, I smile and say, “Yes.”

Let’s rewind here because maybe some who are reading are confused. The agnostic is asking me about the truths that science has revealed, specifically the age of the earth and I am actually agreeing with him. This, at face value does not seem to be strange unless you know two things first. One: that if you add up the life-spans starting from Adam and Ever from the bible, and add 2000 years (the years since the death of Jesus) to that number, the summation of two results in the earth being approximately 6000 years old and Two: Radiocarbon dating has revealed the earth to be approximately 4.6 billion years old. Well, obviously, one is right and the other is wrong… right?

Most people stop reading the bible after discovering this. However there are several things that can still yet reconcile science and faith to one another. First of all, in Genesis 5:3 the author states that, “When Adam had lived for 130 years he fathered a son in his own likeness, his own image, and named him Seth.” Seth then “fathered Enosh, and so on. However since “fathered ” in a genealogy can mean, “fathered an ancestor of” the bible may not be giving an exhaustive list of who begat who and that the bible may be skipping multiple generations at a time. There is further biblical evidence of this in a comparison of the genealogy of Moses in Exodus 6:16 with that of Joshua in 1 Chronicles 7:23-27. Here the genealogy of Moses has undoubtedly been compressed. Even if we assume that every person after God says a mans days will be shorter lives to be 120 years, this would still not be an accurate way of dating the earth. Since the word “fathered” can mean “fathered an ancestor of” any number of generations and thusly cannot give us a concrete date of the earth. This is known as the Gap-theory for those who want more information on that specific topic.

Secondly, radiocarbon dating is the most accurate way of dating any ancient object known to-date. It is a repeatable and testable way of making an educated estimate of the age of the earth. As a Christian and as someone who accepts science, it is simply absurd to reject such a testable proof. There are some objections to this type of dating, but I will describe them in detail further on. For those that do not know, this is how it works.

Matter is the stuff that makes up all physical things in the universe. Matter is composed of atoms, defined by the number of protons in their nucleus. Hydrogen 1, Helium 2, etc. In most cases the number of neutrons in the nucleus is the same number as that of the protons, however there can be extra protons in certain cases. These extra protons don’t change the charge of an atom- all they basically do is add weight to the atom. An isotope is a term that describes an atom that has a different weight of the same atom. Carbon has the atomic number of 6 (6 being the number of protons in the nucleus) and with a matching number of neutrons in the nucleus; the mass number of this particular isotope of carbon- is 12 (written as 12c). A Carbon isotope can have an additional one or two particles in the nucleus and would be written as 13C and 14C.

These extra particles such as in 14C, make the atom unstable. This instability over LONG periods of time, are rectified and will toss off the extra particles.  It does this by transforming the atom into a completely different atom. In Carbon 14 there are six protons and eight neutrons-, which causes the instability of the atom. To resolve this, one of the neutrons turns into a proton and an electron. Now the nucleus has a matching and stable seven-proton-seven-neutron arrangement. The unstable Carbon atom turns into a stable nitrogen atom. A stable atom is ones that can persist indefinitely.

These unstable atoms such as Carbon 14, are radioactive and decay (become a new stable atom) at such a fixed and predictable rate that they are like radioactive clocks that allow us to date rocks and other objects. Younger rocks have lots of radioactive particles and older rocks have less. Eventually, radioactivity will cease as all atoms become stable ones.

WHEW! I encourage you to take a break here. Eat a sammich, stretch out a bit and drink an 8-ounce glass of water!

Ok, feelin better? Hope so, cause we are going to jump right in!

Before the break, we were discussing how radiocarbon dating works. Unstable atoms become stable and different atoms over long periods of time at a regular, fixed rate that allows us to date objects with confidence. An instrument known as a Geiger counter can detect when a neuron converts into a proton and an electron. If the earth were infinitely old, then there would be no radioactivity available to be detected. If the earth were young- like 6000 years young- then there would be lots of atoms unconverted. Neither happens to be the case.

There are other radioactive atoms that can be used for dating. Uranium for example is important for determining the age of the earth. Uranium 235 converts to Lead-207 decays through a sequence of radioactive events.

That’s all fun and well, but how is this radioactive decay applied to make an accurate dating of the earth?

Scientists concern themselves with a term called half-life. Half-life is the time it takes for half of the unstable material to decay from its unstable starting point to its more stable final form. If element X has a half-life of one hour, and we start with forty atoms, in one hour there will be twenty atoms in element X. That is known as the half-life.

But.. Wouldn’t we need an element that has a much longer half-life than an hour? Yes you would! Luckily, such an element exists. Uranium 235 decays and creates only lead-207 which is a stable element. The steadily increasing excess of lead 207 chronicles the passage of time. The half-life of Uranium 235 is 700 million years. Longer but still not long enough! Another isotope Uranium 238 has a half-life of roughly 4.46 billion years. Much closer, but the age of the earth is still disputed and can range anywhere between 4 billion to 4.6 billion years old. To humans that .6 difference sounds like a big deal, but really it’s a blink of an eye on a universal time-scale.

I’ve thrown a lot of info your way. Take another break if you need to. This is a long read.

Back? Great! So now that I’ve let you know how radiocarbon dating and other forms of radioactive dating works, I should also let you know another sneaky little snippet. Even if these forms of rock dating weren’t available, 6000 years still would NOT be an accurate age of the earth! Sounds a bit like I’m trying to dig myself in a hole right? Nah, I’ll explain later why it’s really not a big deal. Truth is, there are various other forms of dating that signify that the earth is not a mere 6000 years old, but millions of years old! Here are a few examples… Observing the reversal of the magnetic field (Geologists have discovered rocks under the ocean with their magnetic fields changing direction at the mid Atlantic ridge. By counting the reversals we can date the earth to be 170 million years!), counting tree rings (11,000 years around the ice age), sediment in rock beds (can only be used up to thirty-five thousand years because the layers become too compressed to count), and lastly ice cores from Antarctica (740,000).

To reject the simpler methods of dating that anyone can do such as counting tree rings or layers in rock beds or layers in ice cores is not exuding true faith (regardless of which faith it is). That would be a lot like rejecting the fact that gravity causes objects to fall towards the earth. There simply no reason to look at the wealth of evidence gathered by scientists all over the world and still cling to the notion, not fact, that the earth is only 6000 years old.

WAIIIIT a second here bub. So you actually think the scientists are right? OK, well then see ya! Peace! A tout a l’heure! You my friend have just sided with science and can’t talk me into believing another word you say! … Can you? I can.

Truth of the matter is, the bible does not expressly determine the earth to be only 6000 years old. That was a calculation done many years ago by theologists taking the bible literally in regard to time. As we discussed in earlier paragraphs through the Gap-Theory, the bible does not give an exhaustive list of descendants. There is further evidence for this is the genealogy in Matthew 1:1-17 where Matthew actually omits three kings to make the genealogy shorter. Not to deceive but to prevent an eyesore for the reader. Even that short list hurts my eyes personally.

There are those who even in the face of all the evidence still fiercely believe in a 6000 year old earth. These are known as Young Earth Creationists (YEC’s). People who are proponents of this view argue that the dating techniques are not accurate. They conclude that scientists assume (and they do sort-of) that the radioactive decay of elements they use to date the earth is constant.

I personally believe these Christians rob themselves of the opportunity to be in awe of how complex God made everything on a scientific level. Scientists do assume the decay rate of radioactive elements to remain the same…. but they have no reason to believe otherwise. In fact, even at temperatures and pressures that literally rip the electrons off the atom, absolutely no changes in the nuclear decay rates have been observed! Now that’s something!

So you may ask, do you believe the earth is as old as scientists say? My answer: You bet!

You’re tired, your head hurts and you think I’m pulling your chain but I promise I’m going somewhere with this. Keep going!

The problem that YEC’s are plagued with is the literal reading of the bible. Understanding that the bible MUST be read in context always and the fact that if we took the entire bible literally, then there would be vast contradictions and the faith would have died out long ago. This change in the way we read the bible makes it possible to reconcile faith and science and for both to be right! I have two strong reasons to believe this is true.

First and foremost scripture of the bible makes it abundantly clear that God is supreme to everything. He is the creator of ALL things. You’re probably thinking, ok duh. But this is huge! He even created time! There was an eternity past… where time itself did not exist! The bible nowhere mentions where God creates time as we experience it. In Genesis it does use the word “day” but there is no reason to believe that a “day” was the same amount of time as it is now. This sounds like a ripe bowl of bat guano but let me assure you, I don’t simply believe it because I want it to be true! There is scriptural evidence for this claim. This has even been argued amongst theologists for decades and is not something that can be nicely and neatly concluded. Consider 2 Peter 3:8-10. “But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is a thousand years, and a thousand years, and a thousand years as a day. The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness but is patient towards you, not wishing that any should perish but that all should reach repentance.”

Remember how I said before that the bible MUST be read in context? Feel free to read 2 Peter 3! He is talking about the future judgment of all people and he is telling his audience to remember the predictions of the prophets concerning how the faithful will be treated in the last days. Then halfway through the verse, he begins talking about the past and how the heavens existed long ago. He asks his audience to remember the flood of Noah. Immediately after in 2 Peter 3:8 he describes that time is different for God! How can a thousand years and a day be the same to God? Well if He is outside of time then it’s very possible. Don’t take my summarization of 1 Peter 3 as Gospel truth, read it yourself! I’m not trying to deceive you!

If you allow that a “day” for God is not the same 24-hour “days” then you can understand a day to be much longer than the days we experience. There is more evidence for time being different for God. I wouldn’t have faith off of only one source! Psalm 90:4 reads: For a thousand years in your sight are but as yesterday when it is past, or as a watch (or dream) in the night. Again check out the context of that Psalm verse understanding that David was both a king and a prophet.

There are obviously other issues concerning faith and science and I can’t possibly tackle all of them. I’ve merely shown you an example where science and faith support one another. Bigger issues such as evolution and is considered one of the hot topics can be discussed at length in perhaps another blog. Of course, it would help if I knew I had readers who actually wanted the information! So please, leave comments, questions and leave constructive feedback! Thanks so much to all that read and God bless you all!

The majority of this information can be found online through simple researching. The Language of Science and Faith by Karl Giberson & Francis Collins gave me a great understanding of radiocarbon dating and I indeed paraphrased the very book as a way to convey complicated scientific terms to larger crowds. I do not claim any rights to the book, and I in no way intend to gain any money from providing this information. The rights belong solely to the publishers, authors and editors of that book. There is original content from me and I would argue most of it is my own original material ( in terms of wording not factual information) but credit is due to Giberson and Collins in their description of radiocarbon dating. Thank you sincerely and I hope I haven’t upset anyone by providing this information.

Wow, so much change.

It’s been a long while since I’ve posted anything at all in here. I’ve been reading over all my previous posts and I am shocked at how different I’ve become! I don’t even recognize this other person who’s been typing all those words. My initial reaction after reading all of these posts was to tear them all down but I realized how important is to keep them up. This blog has preserved my thoughts and feelings over the last year or so. I’m glad I put down in words what was going on with me and what I was thinking because now I can look back at it and I am amazed at how different God has made me. This just makes me so happy that He took up me and blessed me with a renewed mind and spirit! I was so far gone into depression, self-loathing and pessimism but now I’m filled with joy. I still have troubles- as does everyone- but I handle them so much differently. I think the largest change that has happened is in regard to my desire to find someone. Before I was Christian, I was absolutely obsessed with finding love. Then I found love! I agree with my former self in the sense that I can’t hug God or any of those other things, but life is short and the trials I face are nothing compared to the unbelievable joy I will experience for eternity! I still desire a woman, but in a different way. I want a wife. I want a wife who is founded in the Lord, who loves the Lord, and who wants a man to share a life that is God-centered. I want to grow spiritually with my wife and to eventually have kids. I just can’t believe how blind and lost I was! I was so drenched in darkness and depression. Praise God that that ended! I’m a little tired to be typing right now and my thoughts aren’t flowing as fluidly as they usually do but I just wanted to take a second and marvel at how much the Lord has changed me. Praise Jesus!

I want to see the end of it

I have many times on this blog, and in person described to my friends and family various cycles that we all seem to follow. I have even spoken of cycles specific to me, and I have found yet another one. It deals largely with the realm of relationships. This is the cycle: Meet someone, become interested, think about asking that person out, have doubts about it, ask or don’t ask that person out (or merely begin hanging out without asking to be gf/bf), date or hang out, things go well for a short while, have sex or don’t, then realize that the person I’m now seeing is not the person that I want in the end and then thusly break up (gracefully or not so gracefully).

Basic cycle is… Meet, date or hang, become intimate, realization that she is not “who I really want.” and then have the relationship end.

I’m simply tired of it! I’m tired of searching. I’m tired of having doubts. I’m tired of always questioning whether or not she is “the one” or at the very least the one I will spend my life with. I’m tired of giving into my urges and desires only to later become disappointed and slightly disgusted by myself. I’m tired of having to try to tell myself I’m still a good person really, only to do the things that are not good. I’m tired of being unsure and lost!!! But mostly, I’m tired of this cycle. I want it to be over. I just want someone to be with me. As a lover, a friend, and a companion. I want to be able to bring this person with me and be proud that I have chosen her, and her me. It’s not that I “need” someone in my life to solve all my problems. Or that I need someone in order to be happy. I love life even through the rough patches but I truly believe that God did not intend that we be alone our whole lives. If He did, then why did he bother to make Eve after He had made Adam? To simply continue the species? No! Humans need love, and more importantly, they need the love of people outside their family.

I have people all around me tell me, “You’re so young! You shouldn’t be worried about this! You have all the time in the world to find this person. Give it time!” But what all these people fail to realize is, my time on this Earth is not guaranteed! I may very well die tomorrow, or a week from now. What time do I have then to find this person? Better to love someone wholly for one day in my life than to die having never loved. People confuse me with being this lofty individual who obsesses in finding love and they think that I have nothing else in mind. This is not true! I still have goals and dreams for myself. I just happen to see myself completing these goals, and living these dreams with a wonderful woman I cherish. Is that so wrong? After all, isn’t Love all that there is? Haven’t our poets, song writers and philosophers all told us that “All we need is love”?.

Indeed hasn’t even God commanded of us to love one another. Yet I have everyone around me telling me to stop looking so hard. I have the love of God Himself, which is the greatest love there is. That should be more than enough right? Well theoretically, yes. However, God cannot hug me. God cannot kiss me or make soup for me when I’m sick. God can’t speak directly with me about some hardship in life or give me any direct advice on how to solve a problem I might have. Sure, there are signs, and God puts into motions all things that will help me do whatever I ask but on a physical and intellectual level God cannot be there for me. Unless of course, God sends as a gift to me a woman to love and to do all those things. And in that way, God really can do all things for me.

God is all-powerful. Nothing for Him is hard or impossible to do. That’s why every night I am praying to Him in earnest for Him to bless me with a loving woman. Even more I pray that I can meet and realize that I have met the woman who I can one day make my wife. I’m just waiting for the day when He finally answers that prayer with a “yes”. Of all the gifts He gives us, I treasure His love that He sends by means of another person. I think I am mostly tired of people telling me to stop worrying about finding love or my future wife. Time is of the essence when it is not certain how much we are granted.

So if there are couples reading this who have been together a long time and feel that they are right for each other, don’t hesitate a moment longer. Marry! Of course, make sure that you have no doubts, and you won’t have any doubts if you are truly with the one you are meant to marry. It might be scary, but love is the ultimate leap of faith. It’s one that I’m not afraid to take, and I fiercely believe no one else should be afraid to take either.

So I say this to all of you. I am tired of being told to stop looking. And I’m tired of this horrible dating cycle I’m in. I won’t ever stop looking and nothing any of you say will sway me from doing just that. It’s been said that when you are confronted with the same problem over and over, you must make a new decision. I make the decision now to never again follow this cycle. I will wait, pray, and seek out this future wife of mine. Wherever you are darling, I love you, and I pray for the day when I finally get to hold you for the first time.

It is time

Time and time again I find that the same questions are asked with little or no response. Some that have braved time such as; What is our purpose on earth? Who made the universe? Is there a God? and Are we alone in the universe? Truthfully I can only offer my ideas on such topics and the answers to all those questions will continue to elude us all. However I feel that there is a question which I can offer the world an answer to. The Question has many sub questions and multiple avenues which lead to even more questions and since I am human and can only type so fast for only so long, I can only answer a few of those.

The main question is, What is Love?

You can ask a hundred or a thousand different people what they think love is, and you’ll more than likely get a thousand different answers.

According to the web, love is: a strong positive emotion of regard and affection.

That definition is not only shallow and utterly vague, but impossibly useless in face of the many different forms of love.

There is the love of family, the love of nature, the love of animals, the love of movies, the love of vacationing, art, music, etc. To try an apply the above definition to all these various forms is both not exact enough and completely absurd.

The Love of family is this: You care for every member of your family and despite how angry or upset they make you, you still want them to be healthy, safe and taken care of. Your brother ( sister, whomever) might be annoying little (fill in the blanks), but you would defend them till the day the world ended. If the love is strong enough, the love of family would cause one to even suffer for the cause of a family members success or safety. Even this is a shallow definition, but it’s the best I understand it.

The love of friends: The willingness to go out of your way to help or endure long nights comforting a friend crying over the loss of family, boyfriend/girlfriend and the like.

The list goes on and on of the different kinds of love. However, the one kind that most people are drawn to, most interested, and invest large volumes of time to obtain, maintain and otherwise explore is the love of two people who were previously strangers. This of course is known by most as ‘Romantic Love’. The kind that sweeps you off your feet and makes the darkest places of the world seem entirely lit up by nothing more than the fact that you know that somewhere out there loves you. Just you and no one else.  The absence or presence of it can crush or lift ones soul.

I recently went through a transformation of sorts. As my readers know, my break up with my ex girlfriend over a year and a half ago completely destroyed me. What’s worse and what makes my heart ache the most is knowing that it was my doing. Ever since that day that I foolishly gave up a wonderfully smart, beautiful, talented, funny, caring, compassionate and God-loving woman I have been an utter mess. I was unable to focus, move on or even cope. Every day my heart was filled with nothing but regret and self-loathing. It was a ceaseless real-life tragedy that was on repeat day after day. My academics, my hopes, my dreams, and my life really were all declining and temporarily on hold. I cared for nothing, no one (family excluded I will always love them). It was a dark and extremely depressing time. I have mentioned before and I’m not saying it to worry or bring attention myself, that because of this terrible time in my life I was really contemplating suicide. I’ll be even more honest with you. I had plans of how to kill myself and when, if I would leave a letter to explain why I couldn’t take the cruelty of the world. This wasn’t some petty oh the world is cruel and unfair and the very much common-place mild depression and angst of a teenager. This was real, I hate life so much I’d rather die and say kiss my ass to the world and the God that had left me in the manure that he had so named “The GIFT of Life”.

I don’t mean to tell you this to depress you, to worry you or to bring about pity and sympathy to me. Please don’t be offended when I say I don’t need it. The reason I tell you this, is because it’s personal and real. It’s something that almost everyone can relate to on at least some level. There are people out there who believe that their lives aren’t worth living. There are people out there who believe there is no one out there for them. There are people out there who believe that all the crap in the world gets dumped on them. I’ve had all these things and more put upon me, and I want to share with you my story so maybe my words might somehow reach you. That things I have to say somehow have an impact on your life for the better. It’s my hope that my words somehow comfort you and bring about a solution to something you may have been struggling with. I’d be happy even if my words only made you reconsider your ideas about love, life, and maybe even God.

Now, before you all run away and close out this page, I want to encourage and challenge you to continue reading because I have something to share with you that I truly feel will change your life. I also want to put out right in front that I am not by any means pushing my beliefs of God and Christianity on you. Would I be happy if because of me you decided you would give your life to Christ or to solidify your faith? No. I would be overjoyed!!! However, I know people have different beliefs and I completely respect them and I would never dare say that I know better or that my faith is so great that I never do or say wrong. I am human and I know I have faults so I hope you will bear with them. So PLEASE, stay just a bit longer here and if Christianity isn’t your deal please feel free to ignore my comments regarding God and Jesus. With all that said, I want to explain what has happened to me and I want to bring this all together. I will tell you how I got past my extremely dark times.

So, you may feel at this point that I have gone off on a tangent, that I have completely strayed from my original topic of the different forms of love and why it is why seek “Romantic love” so much. I promise you, this all ties in. So in my story which I parted from a little, we know just how miserable, lost and hopeless I was. That was the core of everything. I felt the world held no light and that in every aspect there was darkness and despair in all things. There were no good people, no good times to be had, and most of all no reason to live. The worst was the sense of hopelessness. I felt like there was no help or comfort to be found anywhere. Not even God could help me. I had just lost the single most important thing I have ever been witness to – romantic love. The romantic love of a woman who I loved and still do love so much was wholly lost to me. It was the whole reason I could handle all the other crap in my life. The struggle with my family at home, the stress of two jobs, being in four or five bands at a time and having to more or less support my family (even financially) and trying to keep up my grades was all bearable because of my blessed girlfriend. She was the center of my universe.

She was the rock that I could stand upon so that the crashing waves wouldn’t sweep me away into the storm of the sea. Pay attention to that. It’s not just some silly, oh she’s my girlfriend and she is everything to me. She really was the CENTER of my UNIVERSE. Every thought I had, every ounce of effort I had, went into pleasing her. My life’s goal was to treat her like she was the single most valued thing in the whole universe. Not to spoil her, but to give all my affections and all devotions to. That’s not to say I didn’t do things for myself, or that I neglected friends or family for her sake. I didn’t simply forget the world so that I may better focus on her, but my most valued goal was to make she knew how special she was and how much I unconditionally loved her. That every day could pass and she could wake and smile knowing that there was a man out there, me, who loved her so much that he would give his life in a blink if only asked to. That she could have the confidence of knowing that there was no other in my life that I wanted or that I could love as I loved her. I wanted her to know my dedication to her, so that she wouldn’t need to endlessly worry or question as so many other women do that I had affections for others or fear I would one day deceive her by cheating on her. Like I’ve said before, she was the center of my universe.

When our relationship ended, so did my life. So now that you understand my love for her, how I was then, and then how I wanted to die, I feel like its only fair to tell you why it all ended between her and I. I will paraphrase here because this is long as it is and I know you all have lives to attend to. Basically, I got lazy with everything. I got lazy with homework, with applying for college, with plans for moving out, and most of all I became lazy in our relationship. We fought, as all couples do, and suffered the trials of separation and make ups. Finally one day I became fed up with our constant fighting and I felt that the things that we promised each other we would work on were just never going to be fixed. She would promise things and I would promise things and we would both fail each other. I failed her more often than she did me and it turned out than our fighting would be about what I did or didn’t do. Because of this I felt attacked, and that she was always accusing me and be too quick to report to her friends and family all that I did wrong. Which in turn made me fail like a huge a failure and thusly made me feel less inclined to try to fix things because I didn’t think I could do anything to redeem myself in the eyes of her and her family. I so badly wanted her and her family’s love, closeness, acceptance and for them to be proud to eventually be part of their family.

When my big mistake took place I was feeling low and I was being down on myself and made myself believe that I was just a huge screw up and that no matter what I did I would fail them all. Due to this I made a decision and it was disastrous. Just before our break up, we had a huge fight and later reconciled and decided to get back together. She was committed to really making it work and I initially was as well. Then those feelings crept back and I became even more lazy in both my life and my relationship. That’s when I told her it wasn’t going to work and that we should break up. For lack of better word, her feelings were hurt and she freaked out. That freaking out and me feeling defense led to yet another big BIG BIIGGG fight. This fight lasted hours. She insisted, for hours, that the reason I gave her for wanting to break up wasn’t the real one. She pushed it and pushed it and because I’m human and I personally am quick to anger eventually snapped after hours of our fighting. I then hammered in the nail forever sealing the box of her love for me. I told her that I was falling for another. That, was not only a huge HUGE lie, but just plain mean. I told her I was falling for a girl she was already suspicious of. Lies. I did like this girl, but not enough to break up with my girlfriend and go after her. And that’s how we ended.

Why is this relevant? Why does it matter? While it won’t matter to everyone, there will be parts that others will understand or somehow be helped by reading it. And for that reason it’s there. It’s also there to show just how much I loved and cared for my ex. That she was the CENTER of my UNIVERSE. Romantic love, is exactly what I lost. It was what I cherished most and what the majority of the world is searching for ultimately.

Now this is for you. Can anyone guess what my main problem was? Does anyone see it? It may not be obvious to those who don’t follow the Christian faith, but I tell you that no matter what faith you follow or don’t follow, the answer is quite simple. Samantha was the CENTER of my UNIVERSE. I’ve said that a few times, but what does that mean? It means, she was above all things in my life. She was the purpose of my life. Back then, I was not an avid follower of Christ, but I did still pray. But as my love grew for Sam, my prayers and my devotion came to a crawl and eventually stopped completely. I didn’t go to church, zero prayer,  and there was no time set aside for God. People who don’t follow Christianity or any religion please don’t leave! There is a lesson for all here. From a non-religious stand point, I was basically making Sam be the epicenter of life itself. I put all my hopes and dreams, confidence and plans into pleasing and being with her. While I still had other things going on in my life, they were all done with the purpose of bringing happiness to her and to make it possible for me to be with her always. Do you see the error? Maybe you are in a relationship now and if you are I beg you to sincerely ask yourself and don’t answer too quickly – Are you doing as I have done? Maybe you aren’t doing EVERYTHING with the intention of making your other happy or to bring about the two of you being together forever, but are you putting your confidence in them? Are you planning your life and doing the things you do because you so love them? Do you make it so that the school you go to, the place you live, and where you work all be as similar to your significant other as you?

Many do. Is that wrong? No, but there is a catch. From my religious view I had huge error. I put my confidence, trust, hopes, dreams and gave all my adoration and affection to the wrong person. I gave all that to Sam, and put her first in my life when it should have been God. Am I saying that you shouldn’t put any trust, confidence, hopes, dreams and to not give any affection and adoration to your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife? Absolutely not. You can do all those things, but if you swap God with your gf/bf/whatever in regards to importance, your relationship as well as your life will suffer. HOLD ON FOLKS! If I haven’t offended you or made you not want to read anymore, stay put one more sec. From a non-religious point of view, if you putting ALL your confidence, trust, hopes, etc into your partner, not only will find that your relationship will not be in a good place and your life will feel like its chaos. I will make a quick example: Your anniversary is coming up. You love your bf/gf. You want to do something really special for him/her so you decide to put in a few extra hours at work to take them to a fancy restaurant or whatever you dream to be romantic. By being away at work and putting in more hours, you see less and less of your love. Your love becomes concerned that you are upset with them but you quickly explain that you are just putting in a few more hours at work to do something special for them. But by working so much more you become more tired throughout the week, lose sleep and your mood may be affected by it. You get a couple of chances to spend time with your love before your anniversary, but because of the extra work you are too tired to hang out so you tell them you can’t hang out. This might be fine once or twice but eventually your love might begin to think somethings up and you don’t want to spend time with them. This later leads to a fight, which turns a happy relationship of one of mistrust and feelings of abandonment.

Now understand that I’m not saying don’t do nice things for your love! On the contrary! What I’m saying is, don’t be so keen to make your love happy that you spread yourself thin and put strain on yourself which could in turn like in the example put unnecessary strain on your relationship. Don’t put your love in front of all other things so that all other things suffer. To make the above example work, instead let’s say you knew a few months ahead of time that your anniversary is coming up so you decide to put twenty bucks aside each week so that when the time comes for the anniversary, you have the money and the healthy relationship to enjoy a beautiful date together. Or, MAKE them something using any and every skill you have! Something made is much more cherished than something bought. It’s also important not to put all your trust, confidence and hopes into your love because should the two of you unfortunately split, you must then make new plans in your life and the only company you’ll have is your sense of loss of not only your love, but all the trust and confidence you confided in that person. So when you dream, plan or trust, make sure that whatever you are putting those things into that they are concrete and can never be broken down.

If you are trying to plan which college to go to, plan with what YOUR goals are. This might sound selfish, but even if the two of you go to different colleges and go for different degrees, the two of you have your love for one another in common. If your love is true, neither of you will fall for temptation of others and BOTH of you will not only have each other but both of your true goals as far as college goes will both be met! Let’s say for the sake of argument that one or both of you falls into temptation and has a moment of unfaithfulness. Now what? Well, that’s entirely individual. If you both or one of you can sincerely say that you regret what you did and it will NEVER happen again, then stay together. Cheating is not something that is easy to get over, but I know couples that have endured it and they claim their love is just as strong as ever, and maybe even stronger because they share the guilt and they share that forgiveness of one another.

Now think of how that can all apply to every area of life. I won’t digress all the different ways. I urge you to really think about that.

Here’s my big truth. The whole reason you have read this far (aside from maybe boredom?). God saved me. Please stay. I won’t preach to you that God can save you too, or that He can improve your life dramatically. This is meant to help all. Later, I will show both single people, and those in relationships that you will either find love and it will change you forever or that the love you have now can last for all time if only put your bf/gf/wife/husband second. That sounds bad I know! I promise you though, you will discover your relationship will become stronger or that when you are blessed with a new one you will be successful! Whether you believe it or not, love is a gift from God. He loves to see you happy, and He will give you love on earth. But that love on earth cannot survive the test of time if you put everything into your love for a person. Now if you aren’t religious, love is still a gift from God whether you accept that or not (sorry I simply will not bend on that) and so when you plan or make decisions, make sure that you do it for you. That doesn’t mean don’t care about your bf/gf and their goals and dreams. It means that you should not make your significant other the CENTER of YOUR universe. Make plans together yes, but understand that if your love is true and is meant to be, it will survive the differences of your plans. So if you don’t believe in God, that’s fine and I won’t force feed you it. Just know that He wants you to put Him first. All your love, etc, has to first go to him. No love should be greater than the love you have for God. But if you aren’t religious, put yourself first but don’t be greedy or neglectful of others. It’s a balance but knowing that balance makes a huge difference.

When Sam and I broke apart, I died inside. There was so much pain, and anger that I couldn’t stand life. Yet every single time I was about to kill myself, I thought of what would happen to me after. Would I really go to hell? Forever? I wanted to be rid of life so badly, but to replace it for an eternity in hell? My faith wasn’t strong then, but I did still have the fear that I would go to hell if I did it. It was just enough to keep me alive. Because I was unsure of what happened to me, I started reading the Bible to find out. I didn’t know it then, but God and life was calling me back. By trying to find the answers about afterlife and hell, I came across people who changed my life and I saw and heard the words that helped my faith grow. For a long time, pretty much up until this last month or so, my faith was stronger, but I could have still renounced my faith. Then, during an on-campus Christian meeting, a man stood up as the speaker for the night and spoke the words that I have been praying for every night of my life since my break up with my ex girlfriend. For literally a year and a half, I wept and prayed to God to have him send another my way who I could love as I loved Sam. I hated being so alone, and I longed to love someone and being a companion to and for that full year and a half I was single. I just didn’t understand why it was that if Jesus loved me so much, that if Jesus loved me so much, why did I have to take on all of life by myself? Why was I being punished? Why was I being ignored when I prayed for only one thing.

That man stood up, spoke and I was floored. In that moment, my heart was on fire and I knew from that very second that I would from that point on believe in God. Not only that, but I understood what I had been doing wrong all this time. I understood why my relationship with Sam failed. I understood why God hadn’t answered my prayers to send me another to love. He showed me that because Sam, instead of God or myself, was the center of my universe I spread myself too thin trying to please her which in turn made me more tired, lazy, and downright irritable. He showed me of how I slowly killed our relationship by putting everything into her, and by doing so I became less capable to make her happy. He showed me that the reason he had waited until that moment to give me this revelation was because had I received it sooner, I would have heard the words, quickly forgotten their meaning, end up in a new relationship and be even more depressed when the relationship would fail. If I had been in a relationship any sooner, I would have ended up doing the exact same things with the next girlfriend and it would be a never-ending cycle. I know that if that cycle were to happen again, it is very likely I would commit suicide. Now that I know God exists and that He loves me, I could never do that so no one worry.

Single people: You WILL find love. I promise. If it what you really desire, you will have it. The trick is, make sure you don’t do as I have done. Don’t make your love for another an idol you worship. (Worship having the meaning of complete devotion and love) In other words, don’t be so keen to please your lover that spread yourself too thin and not only have your new relationship fail, but have other aspects of life suffer too.  Single people, please keep this in mind when you are blessed with love again, or else you will quickly find yourself upset and/or single once more. (Also, in case you are wondering… I am still single. So I’m in the same boat! I do believe though that God will provide for me) This part isn’t mandatory but.. it would help I think: Pray? Pray for it. If you don’t feel comfortable praying to God or any one specific thing/person just pray to a name or an idea that suits you. It couldn’t hurt!!

Couples: Even if your relationship is stable now, keep my words in mind because I really feel like I’ve come across some serious wisdom. If it’s not stable, it’s all the more pertinent that you give my advice a try. Remember to not ignore the goals/desires/concerns of your love, but to not spread yourself so thin that the time you two get to spend together is ruined by your fatigue, foul mood, or feelings of mistrust and abandonment.

Now if none this relationship stuff matters to you, I’m sorry. However, I wouldn’t be able to understand how you read this far and not be interested in it.. Maybe someone’s in denial eh? Haha. I’m sure though that somewhere in here someone’s faith or their relationship/lack of a relationship has been helped. I just apologize it’s soooooo long!! Thank you for you reading and I will try my best to keep any further blogs shorter.

 

God bless you all!!

Well Folks

It’s been some time since I last published anything hasn’t it? I don’t that anyone has been hanging on my last few words dying to know what has happened last in my latest chapter in life. I do know that a few things have definitely changed and that I am finding myself changing faster than in any time in my life. Everything from the clothes I wear to kinds of things I am interested in are all changing. Through growing up to be a person I hope will be good, honest, faithful, I find myself becoming drastically different from the person I was for years. I’ve been selfish, lazy, unmotivated and unfaithful. All traits that I despise, and yet even though I couldn’t bear to possess these traits, I held onto them for YEARS. How many days did I waste, how many opportunities did I throw away, how many people did I wrong with my selfishness and laziness? I look back on my past with so much regret it’s hard to bear and it makes me feel so unworthy of anything good. Even with all this regret and with my shameful past I find myself now filled with hope that I can overcome that saying that people never change. If people never change, then I doomed to live a lonely sad life. I believe in a large venue of things everything from aliens and psychics to God and life after life. I’ve had my fortune read to me only twice in my life. Once, at a Halloween carnival that I took my girlfriend to, and another time by a very powerful and accurate family psychic. The first foretold of a beautiful but very uncertain life filled with marriage, children and a career that I would love. She warned that I could lose it all and I did. The second psychic who read my future very recently told a different story. She saw very clearly my past, and how badly I screwed everything up. Her reading however left me with hope because of the way she described my future. I was told that if I continued to live my life the way I had in the past, I would still be successful and have nearly everything I wanted.. but it would be a selfish life. I would live alone, with no one to share my success with. I would have no children, and no wife. Before I left though she did tell me that unlike the past, the future can always change and it does so, primarily on the choices that people make. My future was not set in stone and I could avoid this kind of future if I set aside my selfishness and opened my heart to everything. To God, to family, to strangers. The first psychic was 100% correct. I can’t afford for the second one be right about my future and I think I am on the right track now. I go to church every Sunday, I go out of my way to help family, I try to avoid buying anything that I don’t need (except coffee) and I push myself to not just sit around and let life happen and hope for the best. I am making sure I don’t let a moment slip by that could help me grow as a person or ignite something wonderful in my life. I recently auditioned for American Idol, which was fun even though I didn’t make it. I made two friends while I was there and that was completely worth it. I’m going to audition again next year even if that means I have to travel to Chicago. I’ll have another full year of private voice lessons under my belt by that time and I think I’ll have a much better chance then. I guess my whole point to this blog is to point out that I am changing. I have changed. I am living proof that people do change and I’m not going to allow myself to live a life alone and selfishly. I will find who I’m supposed to be with, and I’ll treat her right. God help me.

It’s very strange

I sometimes think that maybe we all kinda evolve a certain kinda filtered vision of life. I recently read this book on mindsets, and it completely flipped my way of thinking almost overnight ( I read very very quickly). I realized after reading it that I really do look at everything in my life as either a failure or a success. Looking back with my 20/20 vision in hindsight, I incredulously find myself agreeing with what my ex girlfriend use to tell me: I’m so black and white, and I LOVED ultimatums. You either did something, or you didn’t. You either won or you lost. You are either good at something or you aren’t. After reading this book, I understood myself to be in the fixed mindset. The fixed mindset offers no room for growth and development, and people who have this mindset LOVE instant gratification. For instance, a person in the fixed mindset believes that you are born with a certain degree of talent in music, and there isn’t much you can do to improve it because it’s innate skill. This person might actually be quite good at music, but when criticized, or they encounter a small setback, they immediately put the blame on their lack of skill or ability rather than their lack of practice or understanding of music. In the opposite direction, there is a person who plays music who is in the growth mindset. For the sake of argument this growth mindset person and the fixed mindset person both started with the  same degree of talent. The growth mindset person encounters a setback and/or a critique. Can you guess what the did differently? They didn’t see this setback as some kind of lacking in themselves, but they instead saw their setback as they didn’t practice enough, or they understood that the reason they did so well was because they didn’t really understand chord theory enough. So in a growth mindset, any kind of failure or a time where they didn’t do so well is actually an opportunity to GROW or expand or make better their skills! They believe that they can improve and hone any skill they want with consistent and unrelenting effort. In a fixed mindset, their failure was because; they weren’t smart enough, not talented enough, etc. They figure that you are just BORN with all the skills and abilities you have and you can’t improve them. If you aren’t good at art, then it’s because you simply don’t have the talent and there is no point in trying. I wish I could give the author credit for all this brilliant work but I can’t remember her name or the title. So umm, please don’t sue me. I just can’t cite the source right. Anyways, reading this book I was dumbstruck because I realized in an instant that I was in the fixed mindset! I especially saw it when it came to school work. I was always really good in school all the way up until high school. I would consistently get A’s and B’s and feel really good about it. I use to be a math wizard and I felt on top of the world. But when I got to high school, the material was much harder and actually required me to study! Something I never had to do before because all I would do before that is simply read a chapter, do the homework and take the quizzes with no issues. So, I started to get bad grades in high school and I became very frustrated and upset. I wouldn’t study any extra, I wouldn’t spend any extra time trying to learn and I just couldn’t figure out why I was doing so bad. I had always done really well in school and I actually kinda prided myself on my intelligence. So when I started to get bad grades, I started to think that maybe I just wasn’t as smart as I thought I was and was told I was. My error was that yes I was smart, and up until that point I didn’t really have to try hard or study really at all because the material was easy. But when it got harder and increasingly more difficult, I did NOT expend any extra energy or effort into really learning the stuff! Then when I started to do bad, I doubted my intelligence, and blamed everything but my lack of effort for my failures. I would look at every poor grade on a test and quiz and see it as a failure, I lost. Instead, I should had looked at where I messed up and do BETTER next time. Now that I have changed that, and now that I look at every goof up as a chance to get better, I am experiencing more success than I could have hoped for. I am relaxing this summer with my GPA resting at a 3.43 knowing that I put in some serious effort. I guess my point of this whole thing is, the mind REALLY and TRULY is a powerful tool. Just by subtly changing the way you THINK about things, you will approach old problems and find yourself with a new and much more desirable outcome than in the past. It’s wonderful. I hope you all get to read that wonderful book.  Ah, I just found it. It’s called, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck. Give it a read, and I promise you will be shocked to find yourself within that book. Hope that this helps someone. =]

A short one

I really trying to detach myself here from being sooooo plugged into the web and just technology in general but I can’t help it. So here I am again typing another blog. After frequent requests from my avid readers I have decided to once again strip the tops of the keys on my laptop of the dust that had settled to rest on top of them to bring forth to you, my audience, something to read. Not a whole lot has happened folks. I still don’t have a second job but I am actively searching for one, school is out and I managed to forge a GPA of 3.43 for the semester. I am still single, and currently I am doing my best to try and open up to the possibilities but I’m also forcing myself not to settle. Important side fact here people and a good rule to live by especially when it comes to relationships: Do NOT settle for less than you deserve. It’s OK to be picky, but at the same time there is some value in just dating a large variety of people. But when you choose to really give your all to someone, make sure you’ve chosen wisely. Anyways like I said, not much else has changed except the weather. Either scorching hot or a downpour of rain. Today it was really nice out, good cloud cover and a flirtation of rain. I helped someone solve logarithmic problems oh boy math! – and got a sweet coffee out of it. This weekend I am going camping with my dad, his girlfriend, her daughter and boyfriend and maybe I’ll get to bring someone along with me. Either way I look forward to getting lots of mosquito bites and having panic attacks about ticks and spiders. Nothing like the great outdoors. Also, weather permitting, I will finally get some color to my body when I head out to the lake tomorrow. Which would be nice because I am about five shades paler than Edward Cullen. Well anyways, that’s enough out of me. Time to lay in the dark for several hours before I finally lose consciousness.

So much, so much.

You know, I made this blog with the intention to just vent out my frustrations or put into words all the emotions I feel about any kind of topic. But as I wrote more and more, I realized that this blog wasn’t just for me. By looking at my stats and my comments it’s clear to me that other people really do find some of what I say to be interesting. Even more surprising is the fact that many people are returning to read what new things I post. Through some of my earlier posts I felt as if I was somehow distantly helping somebody with something. That somehow, by reading my blogs they were somehow changed or enlightened, or even perhaps solved some kind of puzzle they had been dealing with in life. I think what draws me to write these blogs is that I get a sense or rather a distinct… feeling, or a kind of intuition that there is someone out there in the world reading this. And that by what I say I am helping them. It doesn’t make sense because I have no proof, but that’s how I feel about it. For those that aren’t regular readers of my teenage angst (and now soon to be just angst.) I want to become a psychologist. I’m pursuing a degree in it now at my university. I’m actually double majoring but the other major is more hobby based. This form of free writing – blogging- gives me the freedom to say whatever I want, and freedom to the reader to just simply close out the page they are viewing and move along to something else. I guess I get a kick out of believing that there are those out there that find my humor to be extraordinary, or people who just think my views on life are reasonable, insane, or otherwise ridiculous. The central or core element that brings me at random intervals to write however, isn’t for my own emotional or psychological gain. I personally and truly LOVE when there is a problem with someone, I share my experiences with them, and they somehow see something differently or there is a spark in the brain of comprehension. Sometimes it won’t be a grand epiphany, but rather an acknowledgment that they aren’t alone in a particular experience or they find that by reading my words that they really CAN fix their problems. I have a true passion for helping people. I often think of emotions as an expression of the soul. It’s an expression that words cannot match, but can only be felt. To me, without emotions, we don’t really live – we just survive.

Just bleh

Sometimes life’s challenges can be exciting, but most often it’s not. Half the time we are spent just stressing and worrying about them. For me right now, I’m trying to figure out where I am going to live as well if I move where I will be employed. I’ve been looking at on campus apartments but it’s nearly impossible to get in. You have to be a Junior at one, another is in a terrible area.. and still others require that you must have a room-mate. Let’s not even talk prices here, because the undoubtedly large clan of people who read my blogs may just accidentally enter into cardiac arrest simply by reading this blog. I don’t like challenges – more often than not they defeat me. I guess I’ll just have to ride this out.

It stops now

As of this moment, I am giving up. People always tell me things will get better and throw the old cliché “there are lots of fish in the sea”, but the truth is: I don’t want it anymore. I refuse to continue to look for love and be disappointed each and every time. I’m done looking and caring. I’m finally ok with just being by myself. The only love I need is God’s. And he gives it without me asking or even looking for it. This is the first day of the rest of my life, and I’m glad it finally started.